Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
