i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
