I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
