It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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