My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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