now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
