Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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