You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
