Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
