Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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