I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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