Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
