Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
