Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
