I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
