she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
And then he peed in my hair
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