He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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