well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
