she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
