hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
