The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
