I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
stop calling my apartment porn island.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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