So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
