Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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