if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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