I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
