I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.