I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.