Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
