my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
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I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude