I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.