i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
