there's paper in my vomit.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
