sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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