Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
