I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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