if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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