Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
