i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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