It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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