and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
