Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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