I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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