SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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