Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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