you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
