I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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