Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
