Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
