Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
