no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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