how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Never joke about your clitoris.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
