I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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