just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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