gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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