Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
