He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
