some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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