that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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