i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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