Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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