I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
