she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
