Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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