She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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